How do I get rid of all these paperclips?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

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Mindy Torbett hiking in the Rocky Mountains with her sleeping bag and a backpack full of paperclips.

How do I get rid of all these paperclips?

Ask A Specialist...about paperclips

In our "Ask A Specialist" column, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here. Today we are proud to feature Mindy Torbett, a Bozeman, Montana, resident specializing in paperclips.

Dear Mindy,

I have so many paperclips, I don’t know what to do with them. I mean, my house is full of paperclips. Literally. When I walk in the front door, I have to wade through a sea of paperclips just to get to the living room. Then I go to pick up the remote on the end table, and I can’t find the TV. Most people dust; I paperclip. I can’t even eat my cereal in the morning without ingesting paperclips, so I think it’s starting to get a little out of hand. What can I do?

-Rhonda Canner
Raleigh, NC

Dear Rhonda,

I can identify with your situation, because as you may have guessed, I own a ton of paperclips, too. What I’ve done, however, is taken all my paperclips and thrown them into my backyard swimming pool. Swimming in paperclips might be a little rough on the skin, but it certainly frees me up from the hassles of getting buried in a flood of paperclips every time I open the refrigerator.

Dear Mindy,

Sitting at my cubicle desk yesterday, I suddenly ran out of paperclips. For half an hour I had been paperclipping things so helter-skelter and willy-nilly that I didn’t even notice I was running out. I needed another paperclip, so I took one off of my co-worker’s desk. He caught me, and now he won't even speak to me. How can I smooth things over with him?

-Carla Flemmer
Long Island, NY

Dear Carla,

Some people don’t understand the frustration of running out of paperclips without any warning. But if you really want to smooth things over with your co-worker, present him with a paperclip collage. Gather several dozen paperclips (of varying sizes, of course) and paste them all on a piece of posterboard. Underneath your collage, write him a poem like “You have a beard / And you’re a little weird / But you’re my friend / And I don’t want it to end / So hopefully we can skip / This fight over a paperclip.” Then sit back and watch the hostility melt away.

Dear Mindy,

I have been using paperclips since they were invented way back in 1919. Back then, as you know, they were made of iron and one paperclip was big enough to fill a room. Over time, of course, technology has provided us with smaller and smaller paperclips, but nothing will replace that thrill of going to the paperclip forge with Dad on Sunday morning, picking one out, loading it onto the truck bed and bringing it home to see Mom’s shining, proud face.

-Edna Sparks
Jackson, MS

Dear Edna,

Thank you for sharing your nostalgia with our readers. By the time I fell in love with paperclips, in the 1950’s, they were common in most homes and offices, but every now and then you would run across someone who still had no idea what a paperclip was. Oh, great was the joy in introducing that person to the marvels of modern attachment technology.

© 2009 The Teaspoon Times

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