McCain win could trigger mass exodus to Mars

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

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A snapshot of the future home of millions of Americans, should Senator John McCain win Tuesday's election.

McCain win could trigger mass exodus to Mars

by John Johnson, staff reporter

LOUISVILLE, KY—Should Arizona Senator John McCain win Tuesday’s presidential election, over forty percent of the American population will be making preparations to move either out of the country or to Mars, according to a survey of eligible voters conducted just last week by the political science department at the University of Louisville.

Although most respondents had their eye on our red neighbor, a few expressed interest in living on planets comprised mostly of gases, on comets, and in various other locales within and beyond our solar system.

“If McCain wins, I’m moving to Pluto,” survey respondent Katie Peterson said, after she blasted France for not being far away enough to move to. Others said they would live on the surface of the sun before inhabiting an earth containing a President McCain and Vice President [Sarah] Palin.

Although enthusiastic about the prospect of relocating, none of the respondents knew for sure how they would go about getting to Mars, with the notable exception of suburban Detroit, Michigan, resident Josh Tamlin. Ever since McCain’s numbers surged in the Republican primaries, Tamlin has been building a spaceship in his backyard as a precaution, and says it is nearly complete. “I’m prepared to blast off on Wednesday morning, if need be,” he said.

Tom Hill, a spokesman for NASA, expressed concern about people like Tamlin, saying that a mass exodus to Mars could produce a rash of attempts by amateur astronauts and model rocket enthusiasts to escape Earth’s gravitational field in homemade spacecraft. He said such activity, without any regulation or oversight, would endanger those who opted to stay on Earth, adding that NASA astronauts are professionals, and “I never thought I'd say this, but please, please don’t try this at home.”

Recognizing that millions might be needing a lift to the Red Planet before the year is out, NASA said in a statement they would step up efforts to get the Mars program underway. However, according to Hill, the first Mars landing might not happen before the year 2020.

That timetable is not encouraging for the millions of citizens who would prefer to leave Earth no later than Inauguration Day in January. And even less encouraging for those who wish to travel farther, like Alan Stevens of Wichita, Kansas, who said, “If that one [McCain] wins on Tuesday, so help me God, I will wash my hands entirely of the Milky Way.”

On the flip side, in favor of a McCain win are the Martians themselves. Although primitive beings without a written language, they all seem to be in need of some company. When interviewed they squeaked twice, which meant, “We desperately hope McCain wins because it’s getting awfully friggin’ lonely up here.”

© 2008 The Teaspoon Times

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