Perez Hilton finds Holy Grail on morning walk

Saturday, July 4, 2009

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Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, now the richest person in the world after finding the mythical Holy Grail while walking to a coffee shop.

Perez Hilton finds Holy Grail on morning walk

by John Johnson, staff reporter

LOS ANGELES, CA—Famed celebrity blogger Perez Hilton found the Holy Grail yesterday morning while on a short stroll near his Los Angeles condo. While he has not yet mentioned his find on his website, perezhilton.com, he held a press conference this afternoon just outside his home.

“Well, I was on my way to the coffee shop for some breakfast,” said Hilton. “Then a couple blocks away from my condo, I see this thing gleaming from behind a building, back by the dumpster. I thought it was just a fancy mug that someone was throwing out. Turns out it’s the most sought-after artifact in history, the subject of 900 years of folklore and legend, quests and inquisitions—the very object that countless thousands have died seeking over the centuries. Huh.”

The Grail, whose authenticity was verified by Arthur Milling, III, of PBS’s Antiques Roadshow, is worth approximately all the money that has ever existed throughout human history, in every civilization, and in every form, which means Hilton is now the richest person in the world.

The Holy Grail has provoked much speculation and heated debate over the centuries, even about what it actually is. Many scholars have asserted that the Grail is the chalice used by Jesus at the Last Supper, while others believe it to be not a cup at all but a set of documents about the true teachings of Jesus, or even the earthly remains of Mary Magdelene herself.

“Nope, it’s a cup,” said Hilton, holding up the shiny Grail for reporters to see. “And a nice one at that.” Indeed, the jewel-encrusted chalice, from which the twelve Apostles and disciples drank just before Jesus was put to death, was made of pure gold and had retained much of its luster over the years.

Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, rose to fame in 2005 after his blog became immensely popular among gossip-hungry web surfers. Several television appearances and millions of website hits later, he has become a household name and connoisseur of celebrity goings-on and Hollywood to-dos, despised by some, revered by others.

Some present at the interview suggested Hilton donate the Grail to the Smithsonian Museum in Washington, an idea he did not seem too excited about. “I think I’m gonna use it, actually,” he said. “Instead of being locked up behind layers of bulletproof glass, with armed guards, sharpshooters and an intricate array of laser-activated alarms, it’ll look much better in my cupboard, sitting right next to my ‘Hot Mess’ coffee mug.”

© 2008 The Teaspoon Times

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