Ask A Specialist...about aluminum cans

Every issue, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here. Today we are proud to feature Jackie Hardy, a Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, resident specializing in aluminum cans.

Dear Jackie,

I am a little concerned about my dog, Rolex. Yesterday, he drank an entire can of cream soda--then proceeded to eat the can. Funny thing is, he actually seemed to enjoy it, and last night he didn’t bark nearly as much as he usually does. Do you think he’s okay?

-Jose Carmen
Tampa, FL

Dear Jose,

Dogs are resilient creatures, and your little Rolex will probably be just fine, but be careful. Sometimes after ingesting that much aluminum, dogs can become restless. Keep an eye on him--if he does anything unusual, like hyperventilates, develops a craving for fresh-baked blueberry muffins, or tries to run for local office, call a vet.

Dear Jackie,

I have kept a can of RC Cola as a house pet for the last four years, because that’s the only kind of pet my father would let me have. I named him “RC Cola Can.” Anyway, just last week, my mother accidentally recycled him. How can I get over this loss?

-James Claybourne
Davis, CA

Dear James,

Sometimes the best way to overcome the grief that accompanies the loss of a pet is to replace the pet. In this case, just head on down to your local supermarket and pick up a twelve-pack of RC Cola. Although “RC Cola Can 2” may not exhibit the same personality traits as “RC Cola Can 1,” you may find yourself growing quite fond of him in very little time indeed.

Dear Jackie,

My best friend calls the aluminum can, “the best invention since sliced bread.” However, I argue that it is the best invention since peanut butter and jelly. Who’s right?

-Kate Madison
Traverse City, MI

Dear Kate,

Neither of you is right. I’ve done extensive research on the subject and found that the aluminum can is actually the best invention since pourable concrete.

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