Ask A Specialist…about pillow shams

In our “Ask A Specialist” column, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here. Today we are proud to feature Babs McKenzie, a Tulsa, Oklahoma, resident specializing in pillow shams.

Dear Babs,

How many years of schooling do you need to become a pillow sham specialist? I was originally thinking about pre-med, but am now contemplating a career in home furnishing design, with an emphasis on pillow shams. My father doesn’t seem too happy about it, but he was also the one who got upset when I eschewed a high school job at McDonald’s for the position of head cheesemaker on a goat farm in provincial France, claiming I wasn’t taking the “traditional route.”

-Jen Hory
Dayton, OH

Dear Jen, This may surprise you, but my life journey didn’t take me on the “traditional route” either. Instead of four years of college plus many more years of residency as a pillow sham specialist, I retreated to the mist-covered mountains of Nepal to study under the strict guidance and harsh discipline of the Grandmaster, a very old, learned man who taught me everything I know about pillow shams, often by dangling me over the side of Mount Everest until I answered his sham-related questions correctly.

Dear Babs,

I’ve been keeping a pillow sham outside in my backyard for quite some time. It’s sitting on an old picnic table under a maple tree next to my shed. It all started as an 8th grade science experiment—our teacher wanted us to try growing microbes on a damp surface. I grew the microbes all right, but left the sham there to mold, and in a couple years, I had actually spawned an entire colony of ants. Now it’s got 34 years worth of mold on it, and I need your help with a big problem. You see, there’s a mountain lion growing out of the sham. I’m afraid that when it’s fully formed it will destroy my backyard, terrorize the neighbors, and possibly eat me. Can you help?

-Kenneth Grabel Burnsville, MN Dear Kenneth, Are you sure it’s a mountain lion? I’ve certainly heard of pumas and leopards being genetically engineered via pillow shams, but this is a new one for me. My best advice is to contact your 8th grade science teacher (if he or she is still alive) to find out if there are any scientific formulas or equations that would send the beast back into the mold from whence it came. You might also consider moving.

Dear Babs, I have this recurring dream about a pillow sham that walks around a shopping mall asking people to participate in a political survey. It never actually approaches me in the dreams, but I can always hear it talking to other people nearby, and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to push its political views on many of the mall’s unsuspecting patrons, and trying to get people to vote one way or another.

-Middle of the Road
Los Gatos, CA

Dear Middle,

I’m not entirely sure what your question is. However, in my experience, pillow shams tend to remain politically neutral, a fact that I hope will put your vivid dreams to rest, so to speak. However, one important point: does the sham carry a clipboard? Because if so, the dream would represent your imminent meeting with a higher power, in which case I have the unpleasant duty of informing you that you have less than two weeks to live.

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Add this to your blog! <a href="http://www.teaspoontimes.com/stories?ssn=dz195o02ubg7594c">Dear Babs: Are pillow shams conservative or liberal?</a>