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NEW YORK, NY—According to Wall Street analysts, the U.S. dollar (USD) fell another two percent yesterday and is nearing an all-time low against the coffee (C), the international currency available in denominations of cappuccinos, caramel macchiatos, and nonfat double espresso half-caf mocha lattes. At press time, the exchange rate was 4.78...
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U.S. stock market rallies for almost five seconds

NEW YORK, NY—Jubilation was the dominant mood on Wall Street for approximately four and a half seconds yesterday as the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed ten points, causing widespread excitement and glee, before plummeting 700 points to close well below what most analysts would consider their worst nightmares, sources report.

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