Tuesday, January 6, 2009 |
Tuesday, January 6, 2009 |
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LATEST NEWS  A view of Jackson Hole in Wyoming, to which Vice President Dick Cheney can no longer travel without making scores of small children cry. | Dick Cheney finds 100th way to make kids cry JACKSON, WY—Passengers and crew on a United Airlines flight approaching Jackson Hole Airport yesterday reported an airplane full of crying kids and stressed-out parents when the arrival of Air Force Two suddenly took priority, delaying their landing. The incident means that merely by taking a winter vacation, Vice President Dick Cheney has finally found one hundred ways to make small children cry, just weeks before his term in office expires. Cheney’s first tear-evoking method, talking, was discovered during the vice presidential debate just before the 2000 election. The most recent, sleeping, was reported in 2007 by Debbie Phillips of Seattle, who left her five-year-old son watching CNN while she went to prepare his lunch. Hearing shrieks of terror from the living room moments later, she rushed in and found her child trembling on the couch, viewing images of Cheney nodding off during a cabinet meeting. Alison Huling, one of the attendants on yesterday’s flight, said she had never seen her passengers so upset. “The captain made an announcement that we had to enter a holding pattern for half an hour,” she said. “Everyone seemed okay with that. He mentioned it would be very bumpy, and no one said a word. Then he told us the reason—that Cheney’s plane was landing ahead of us. Every child on board instantly broke out into a violent fit of tears.” The scene described by Huling was one of utter chaos, with crimson-faced children screaming at the tops of their lungs, parents fashioning makeshift nooses, and other passengers asking if they were going down in flames. “I had a hunch that the only reason they were carrying on was because they had heard Cheney’s name,” Huling said. “But just to be sure, after we landed and the crying had stopped, I picked up the P.A. and said, ‘Dick Cheney.’ Sure enough, the entire airplane erupted into another hellbomb.” While adults and teenagers seem to be more resilient to Cheney’s sob-inducing tactics, some of his techniques, like shooting hunting partners in the face, bombing small nations, and eating, have caused even grown men to weep. Jon Stewart, who hosts Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, joked earlier this year that should Cheney leave office knowing only 99 ways to make children cry, the Bush administration as a whole would be considered a failure. “Oh wait,” Stewart quipped. “That’s already happened.” Even though Cheney produces no reflection in mirrors, has no shadow, and is so elusive he sometimes seems not to exist at all, parents of children under two years of age are warned that, like the antichrist, he is indeed real, and prolonged exposure to his gaze or hearing offhand discussions about his foreign policy could cause an infant’s head to explode. © 2008 The Teaspoon Times SHARE
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